Address Behaviors, Not People
I often hear the mantra, “Behind most issues is a person.” I think that is miscast.
Yes, when something goes wrong, the instinct is often to point at a person. "So and so is the problem," we think, or worse, say. It feels satisfying, as if we've identified the root cause. But it just creates defensiveness.
However, blaming people doesn’t fix the problem because it’s rarely about the person. Most issues are about behaviors. Someone was late. Someone didn’t follow through. Those are actions, not identities.
When you focus on the behavior, something shifts. Instead of saying, “You’re unreliable,” you can say, “This didn’t get done on time.” The former feels like an attack; the latter is just a fact. And facts are easier to work with.
Addressing behaviors also makes it easier for people to change. If the issue is “You’re unreliable,” how do they fix that? It’s vague and personal. But if the problem is “The report wasn’t sent by Friday,” the solution is clear: send the report by Friday next time.
The mistake we make is thinking that attacking the person will motivate them to improve. It doesn’t.
It just makes them dig in or shut down. However, pointing out a behavior is like holding up a mirror. It lets them see what happened without feeling judged.
Lesson Learned: If you want change, talk about what people did, not who they are. It’s not just kinder; it’s more effective. People don’t resist facts. They resist being attacked.